Where to now?

Wow!  I just read back over my past blogs since Joe's been gone and I realize how far I have not come.  This grieving thing is like a lead weight that sometimes seems like it is crushing the breath right out of me.  I spend way too much time staring at the wall, the window, the floor.  My feet seem to be stuck in cement as I don't progress forward.  If I do, it is 2 steps forward and three in reverse.  I went to the Dr. last month and tried to describe some of my symptons.  She increased the strength of the anti-depressant that I have been taking.  I must say it has at least relieved some of the grogginess.  I was falling asleep all during the day.  I have read that this is a long process and sometimes takes years and one never returns to "normal".  That is an unsettling thought.  Where am I heading if not to "normal".  I don't remember signing on to not being myself again.  As I type this, I wonder if maybe that is not what I should be looking for.  Maybe I should be searching for the new me.  What if I don't like what I find?  Every morning when I awake, I ask God what he has in store for me.  So far, the answers are not revealing to me.