Where to now?

Wow!  I just read back over my past blogs since Joe's been gone and I realize how far I have not come.  This grieving thing is like a lead weight that sometimes seems like it is crushing the breath right out of me.  I spend way too much time staring at the wall, the window, the floor.  My feet seem to be stuck in cement as I don't progress forward.  If I do, it is 2 steps forward and three in reverse.  I went to the Dr. last month and tried to describe some of my symptons.  She increased the strength of the anti-depressant that I have been taking.  I must say it has at least relieved some of the grogginess.  I was falling asleep all during the day.  I have read that this is a long process and sometimes takes years and one never returns to "normal".  That is an unsettling thought.  Where am I heading if not to "normal".  I don't remember signing on to not being myself again.  As I type this, I wonder if maybe that is not what I should be looking for.  Maybe I should be searching for the new me.  What if I don't like what I find?  Every morning when I awake, I ask God what he has in store for me.  So far, the answers are not revealing to me.

Still here.

OK.  I made it.  I have weathered the storm of the first year sadiversary but it ended up being a celebration of Joe.  His band of brothers (not family) held a prayer service and remembrance for him last night after which we shared a wonderful potluck dinner.  One of my sons remarked that he thought it would be more appropriate to celebrate his birth rather than his death.  I responded to him, "this is the day of his birth".  It was a celebration of the day of his new life.  I don't see it as him having left us so much as us having been left behind.  He has made the journey, run the race and completed it.  We who are still here, have not.  That's all the thoughts I have to share.  I continue to marvel how blessed I am.  I miss Joe terribly but am comfortable in knowing that he is just fine.

Opposites attract

Lasting relationships are a blend of opposite types of personalities.  The leader and the follower.  The controller and the submissive.  The spender and the saver.  The navigator and the crew.  Those relationships don't have to be pleasant all the time but they do have to function well together to sustain over the long haul.  So a perfect marriage is not about being madly in love all the time as many young people think it should be.  A perfect marriage does not really exist.  A strong committed marriage is possible though.  Joe and I didn't always like each other.  We didn't always love each other.  Oh, I know, that sounds harsh.  We were human beings with frailties and obnoxious characteristics.  But what we were was committed to the vows that we took and the family that we had created.  When the team is missing a key member, the rest of the members flounder for a while trying to find out how to fill the gap that is left.  Floundering . . . that is the stage of the game that I am in now.   flounder, flounder, flounder,  . . . . thud.  flounder, flounder, flounder, . . . . . splash.  flounder, flounder, flounder,  . . . someone turn me right side up.

10 months and I'm still . . . . .

I don't know I don't know


Where I'll go or what I'll do

It makes no difference what I do without you



'Cause I love you my darling

But I'll try to let you be

Goodbye it's the last you'll hear of me



Well I found a bluebird

High on a mountainside

And that little bird it sings little songs



So I'll sigh, I'll cry

I'll even want to die

For the one I love is gone



Well I don't know I don't know

Where I'll go or what I'll do

It makes no difference what I do without you



'Cause I love you my darling

But I'll try to let you be

Goodbye it's the last you'll hear of me

Goodbye it's the last you'll hear of me



Words of a song will do today!

Interesting how the mind works.

Last night some of my children and grandchildren came to dinner since my sister, her boys and my Mom were here to visit. I had been busy getting dinner ready and plates and such. When all the people were there and all was ready, I stood there waiting. Waiting for what??? Then it hit me like a ton of bricks. Everyone was there. In the recesses of my mind, we weren't ready to eat because Joe had not come in yet. Come in from the barn, come up from downstairs, come out of the bathroom . . . . wherever. The thought didn't really make me sad, it just made me realize what a subconscious part of my daily routine he was. Even though I knew I wasn't waiting for him, ritual said we were. There are some parts of this new life that just can't be changed. Knowing that makes me realize I don't really want or need them to.

. . and then there's today.

This is how you can go from high to low to high again. I have spent the morning in tears and sobs. But right now all I can think about is how blessed that I am. Not only did Joe leave me with so many wonderful gifts and memories, but I am richly blessed by my Father. Both Fathers. God, my Father has richly blessed me with a loving church community who have held me up and taken care of details when I was not able. My earthly Dad created a childhood and family legacy for me that anyone would cherish. When I think that life is tough for me right now, I hear of another's story and realize how fortunate I am. Fortunate???? That's right. I could be alone but I have a loving supportive family and we hold each other up. I could be broke but Joe worked hard to build a business for our family that can sustain us. I could be ill but I've been led in directions to improve my health and keep me going physically.
So, it ain't so bad, is it?

He's gone.

This morning I just got so fed up with myself, that I yelled into the bathroom mirror. "He's gone. He's gone. He's gone. He's not coming back. So quit waiting on him." I have been in a state of motionless, stagnated holding pattern. I don't want to make any decision, make any moves. If I do, it is with the thought in my mind, "What would Joe say?" "What would Joe do?" "What will he think?" He's gone. It doesn't matter what he will think. He can't tell me what he thinks. He's gone. He's gone. He's not coming back. No matter how long I wait. He won't be coming back. I have got to get a hold of myself and move. I don't care if it is not even forward. I just need to move. I need to break away the concrete around my feet and move.

I don't want to go on by myself. I don't want to take care of myself. I went from the comfort and security of my Dad caring for me to the security of Joe. And wow, was I secure. I would often tell him "You take such good care of me." I know. I know. I'm spoiled rotten. He did everything for me. He made sure everything in my world was in working order at all times. I didn't have to worry about a thing. Joe would take care of it.

Quit waiting. He's gone. He's gone. You have to care for yourself. He's gone. He's not coming back. Quit waiting. He's gone.