Rock Solid

I'm sick and tired of being strong. I'm not a rock. I have feelings. Rocks are hard and cold. My insides are mushy and disoriented. This is the most painful thing that I think anyone could ever experience. I wonder if this is worse than the physical pain of cancer or disease. That's what this feels like . . . a disease. It is eating up my inner core.

I've noted lately a few people that I know who have remarried some years after having lost their spouse. I am amazed that they would open themselves up to the possibility of experiencing this pain again.

I understand a spouses statement of wanting to die too. This hurt is almost too much to bear. Even though I have a great faith and trust in God and know that he will not forsake me, I also know that this pain will not subside. It will only become duller but will be a consuming ache for the rest of my life.

My husband is safe now, so I don't grieve for his physical person. I know that he is fine. My grief is for my life. My sense of direction and purpose are clouded now. My navigator is gone. The captain has left his post. My Rock has left me so how can I be rock solid? I HURT!

Update is an Understatement

I read that I should keep a journal as a new W****W. I can't even type the word. As far as I'm concerned, I am still married and will remain so for the rest of my life. Just because my husband is not physically here anymore does not make me any less married. My bond to him is as real now as when he came home everyday. The biggest difference is that now I can't tell him on a regular schedule how much he means to me. I didn't do that enough. But then I don't suppose any of us do enough of that when we see the person everyday. " There will always be tomorrow" or "they know how I feel" are common sentiments. What I'm afraid of is that I blew the one chance I had at really sharing my life with another person. I wasn't open enough. I spent too much time being mad or hurt or angry or pissed. They all mean the same.

To compound the turmoil in my life, I lost my Dad just 7 weeks after losing my husband. But believe me, I did not make that mistake with my Father. I spent the last 5 days of his life assuring him of how much he meant to me. Funny how human nature is! When we prepare for the end, we make the most of it. When we don't know the end is in sight, we don't. I'm thinking that a little more of living everyday as if it's the last is in order.