I read that I should keep a journal as a new W****W. I can't even type the word. As far as I'm concerned, I am still married and will remain so for the rest of my life. Just because my husband is not physically here anymore does not make me any less married. My bond to him is as real now as when he came home everyday. The biggest difference is that now I can't tell him on a regular schedule how much he means to me. I didn't do that enough. But then I don't suppose any of us do enough of that when we see the person everyday. " There will always be tomorrow" or "they know how I feel" are common sentiments. What I'm afraid of is that I blew the one chance I had at really sharing my life with another person. I wasn't open enough. I spent too much time being mad or hurt or angry or pissed. They all mean the same.
To compound the turmoil in my life, I lost my Dad just 7 weeks after losing my husband. But believe me, I did not make that mistake with my Father. I spent the last 5 days of his life assuring him of how much he meant to me. Funny how human nature is! When we prepare for the end, we make the most of it. When we don't know the end is in sight, we don't. I'm thinking that a little more of living everyday as if it's the last is in order.
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