Rock Solid

I'm sick and tired of being strong. I'm not a rock. I have feelings. Rocks are hard and cold. My insides are mushy and disoriented. This is the most painful thing that I think anyone could ever experience. I wonder if this is worse than the physical pain of cancer or disease. That's what this feels like . . . a disease. It is eating up my inner core.

I've noted lately a few people that I know who have remarried some years after having lost their spouse. I am amazed that they would open themselves up to the possibility of experiencing this pain again.

I understand a spouses statement of wanting to die too. This hurt is almost too much to bear. Even though I have a great faith and trust in God and know that he will not forsake me, I also know that this pain will not subside. It will only become duller but will be a consuming ache for the rest of my life.

My husband is safe now, so I don't grieve for his physical person. I know that he is fine. My grief is for my life. My sense of direction and purpose are clouded now. My navigator is gone. The captain has left his post. My Rock has left me so how can I be rock solid? I HURT!